Reflection

Well, last week was tuff for me. Having a heart to heart talk with my hubby he shared that he really doesn't want to have anymore children. He is 43 and even if we got pregnant right away he would be 50 when the baby entered kindergarten. I pray that if we are suppose to have more children God would change his heart. I need to search my own heart to find if I want another child or do I want a baby boy. So, I have boxes of stuff of Levi's, mostly clothes. I have kept them over the last 3 years because I always believed that I would have another boy. God being all knowing has blessed me with 2 girls. I got pregnant with Hattie 9 months after Levi died. Anyways, back to the clothes. My heart experienced such a pain to finally realize that I should give Levi's clothes away. They were doing no good just sitting in the boxes. I cried looking at each adoreable outfit and thinking who got it for me. I had two baby showers for him, actually 3 if you count the party my students gave me at school. Facing that and reading the blog "Bring the Rain" stirred up grief that I still have. In Angie blog she explains that she wants to yell "My baby just died". I remember feeling that way exactly. I would see women pregnant and when they would tell me that they were 37 weeks pregnant I wanted to say' "That is how far I carried my son, I found out at my 37 week appt. that he died." When people ask me today how many children I have I always say 3 but one is in heaven. For those that read this blog and Angie's I encourage y0u to send a note to her in about a month. People, at least for me, stopped asking how I was doing 6 weeks after his memorial service. When life went back to normal is when I needed support. So please do that for her.

Onto lighter topics. I am now at the weight I was before Easter. So, pray for self-control for me. I am a emotional eater. It doesn't matter what kind of emotion either. My family finally made it to Disneyland at 2:00 for Levi's "Memorial Day". I registered my Hannah Banana for Kindergarten. She starts August 11. And finally I applied to be a Education Specialist with a Charter School. My family has really been affected by the economy. We are self-employed and could use the extra income and medical benefits. Well, I did not mean for this to be a long post. I was just so encouraged with the number of views on my blog. If my experience could help one person it was worth going through.